Bye 2020

A podcast I enjoy posed the prompt, “Bye 2020, I feel…” The hosts’ answers brought me to tears, and that compelled me to attempt the same.

Bye 2020. Good riddance.

Ugh. I hate that. Every day is important, valuable, and deserving of gratitude. The alternative is to not have the day. But damn. This year was hard.

Bye, 2020. I feel – grateful that I did not contract and die from COVID and grateful that my family and friends are also still well. I met new friends around the world and now stay connected with old friends in new ways. Quarantine blessings.

I feel scared that the threat of COVID looms and is growing. Will we all survive the remaining months waiting for the vaccine? When can I get the vaccine? When can Paul? When can Jordan?

I am tired of going nowhere, only seeing my girl via video, no hugs, no family visits, too many grey hairs, and out of control eyebrows. I don’t think I can sit on the couch even one more time and brainstorm ways that Paul and I, or Jordan and I, can find ways to enjoy this downtime together. Yes – I ordered a chess set today (thank you, Queens Gambit) and suggested that we finally give in to bread-making. Oof. I have done so many puzzles. And we welcomed our pandemic puppy, Phineas "Finn" Murphy, a Great Dane, a month ago. As my sister-in-law would say, we've "done all the things."

I am proud that I have finally found my voice and can say what I need to say. When it creates an argument and when it makes me cry to tell someone that I love them. I am proud that I chose to do something about my strong political feelings and worked the election polls. I will work them again and look forward to the next election.

I am pissed that we lost so much in 2020.

I feel guilty that I complain when others have lost their lives. So, I deleted the list of losses that I just typed above. But emotions are real and do not need to be justified.

I am frustrated that relationships with friends and family are pushed to their limits by disagreements. Mask or no mask? Trump or Biden? Black Lives Matter or the Blue Line? A physically distant relative called me on Christmas. Such a wonderful treat. They then asked if I was happy about the presidential election and teased me about having Harris as President soon because Biden was old. Damn right! “About effing time that a woman is in the White House. Thanks for calling – see ya.”

I am stunned by the conspiracy theories everywhere – and the number of people I know that believe them.

I am worried that I am a ‘sheeple’ and not doing my homework. Okay – not about 5G, masks, vaccines with computer chips, or Trump being the next coming of Christ. But am I missing something? My friends and family are smart people.

I am overwhelmed with the sadness that I carry and don’t let out enough—proven when I cried at the ABC World News Tonight New Year message. Thank you, David Muir.

I feel potentially hopeful. I am not there yet. I am too afraid of being disappointed again. But I am cautiously looking up flights to California and emailing Bunratty in Ireland about when we can book again. I will get there. I'll get back to hope.

Bye 2020.